This piece of Ancestral Intelligence is part of the Tiger Moms Project

Transcription:

0:00 I haven't read this letter in full since I wrote it on December 2nd 2017, and read it out loud to my mom over a phone call. But I think it's an important part of this story and something that I want to reconnect to. So I am going to read it here and share it so that it exists in this form, and can exist in this form for myself and for anyone else who might hear a part of their story in this experience. So,

0:40 Mom: I hope you haven't been working too hard this week. I'm sorry, we didn't see each other after Thanksgiving. I'm writing to you because I've been reflecting on our relationship and realize that I've been unfair to you. I've been ungrateful and mean and closed off these last few years to protect myself, when I know you've tried a lot to grow as a person and consider the feedback I've given you over the last few years. I know no one is perfect, but I treated you as though you were failing when you weren't. A lot of things happened between us when we were younger that really hurt me, and took me time to process and understand. I now recognize that we were both just growing up, and we were growing up together. It was hard. And, I also think it was amazing how much we went through together to get to where we are now. You, a mom in a new country with a house and a car, and two girls who went to an amazing school, and a great husband who is there for you. And me, a grown up with loving parents who worked so hard to give me opportunities in the world. Closing myself off to you has had so much impact on our relationship. I feel like I don't know so much about your or dad's lives because I've distanced myself. Which makes me feel far away from you, and lonely. I can only imagine how many times I've hurt you by closing the door, or saying things that I know would keep you up at night, thinking about the past. I hope that we can grow together through those things and be whole again. I feel like my inability to forgive you has cost us our family. And I hope that won't be the case anymore. I want to know you, and I'm so grateful to have you as my mom.

2:53 So I called my mom and read this letter out loud to her and she was silent. She was on the bus to work. And she was silent for a few minutes. Until I could hear her crying.

3:19 And she said to me, you don't know how long I have been waiting for this moment. For you to understand what it's been like.

3:35 And hearing that... and hearing that I made a new promise to her. I promised her that we would no longer have the relationship that we had, and instead, in me she would find a loyal and loving, compassionate daughter and friend. And that was the beginning of our new relationship.